Melody of the Windchime

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I woke to the random strikes of my Windchime being tussled around in the cold wind. As the wind picks up the chime strikes louder creating an odd melody that if words were added to it would be quite a dramatic tune.

My late husband and I purchased this chime while visiting Ohio Amish country on our 20th anniversary almost 10 years ago. At the time I thought it had a nice ring to it. It hung on my front porch for many years. But if I recall correctly I looped the wind catcher up on the top piece disabling it from the endless chimes created by the Ohio winters winds.

The family I’m staying with while having cancer treatments have a chime in the backyard with a beautiful pitch that creates a wonderful melody. The tubes are larger in length and diameter; the clapper is positioned correctly within the tubing to create a soothing, meditative tune rather than a noise to scare birds and other animals away.

Wind chimes have always brought soothing tones echoing the music of the breeze and bringing a relaxed, positive, healing, meditative feeling. I remember walking in the evening listening to the various chimes in the distance. They created a place of peace and balance captured in song as I walked along. If I stop and allow sound over take me it can ease stress, improve focus, wash away anger, and soothe the soul … even right now in the middle of this Texas winter storm.

If I Could Get Home Again

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If I could get back home again.

I had been gone from “home” for 30 years and I thought, if I could just get back home again things would be good, things would be normal and happy.

I left because I was running away from my step-dad who was trying to kill me or at least I thought he was. No, I know he was. He has long since died and there is no longer a danger from him.

Since he is now dead I wanted to come home. I wanted to live near my mom, brothers and sister. I longed to have the relationships with my family that I missed out on for years. So I moved home.

What an illusion. I guess we all have had times like this, times where we thought if only it were this way or that way. I longed for something that will never be. I longed to be close to people who did not have a desire to be close to me. Now when I lived 2000 miles away they said and acted like they wanted to have me around but when push came to shove it just is not true.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Well, part of healing is acknowledging the lost hope, recognizing it will never be, forgiving and moving on. But still my heart breaks and still longs for what will never be. Now I must accept my fate. I must cry my tears of loss. I must heal from unrealistic hopes and dreams. I must accept I am alone and actively build friends and acquaintances around me that allow relationship to grow. I have always taught family is more than being blood related. Family is a bond that grows through hard work on both parties part.

If I could get back home again is not all that it is cracked up to be. Home is where we are. Home is where we are loved and accepted. Home is where we live and play. I have closure now. I no longer long for something I did not have and I no longer believe it would be better than what I had. No, it is just the same. Empty. But now I live with the realization that I can fill my emptiness with what brings me love and happiness and not feel guilty or long for something just beyond my reach.

How about you? What do you long for? What do you look back at and say, if I could just be there or do that? Do you long for a home that used to be but no longer is? In what do you need closure in order to move forward? Who or what do you need to forgive to heal? How can you fill your emptiness today?

Real life?

This is not real life. I spend my days watching my online accounts hoping someone will like or comment on something. Really? Why? This is not real life. I had a preacher say from the pulpit one Sunday that online friends are not really friends at all. He said he was deleting some of his online friends. I just thought, online friends are my only friends. Without them I am totally alone in a new and strange land where the locals really don’t like outsiders. I need my online interaction. So I sit hour after after and watch to see if someone anyone will acknowledge anything. Anything at all. And they don’t.
I even watch for junk email but none come. I really need to subscribe to something so I will get some mail. Anything at all.

Alone.

I am so alone. It is hard to believe. After all these years, alone.

All I ever dreamt of was to have a family. A family and to grow old with the one I love with all my heart.

But here I am totally alone. Totally alone.

How I longed to have old friends to get together with and grow old with. But here I am old and alone. So very alone.

I absolutely hate being alone. Why am I this way you may ask? Because my husband died. He, the one I chose to love and grow old with, the one I had a family with, the one I had a career with, died.

I built my world totally around him and his desires and his friends and everything was about him and for him and with him. And now he is dead and they did not want me to be in their lives so they cast me aside. I am left with no one. Totally alone. A word to the wise never build your life totally around someone else, be true to yourself!

No job. No friends. No one. Alone. Totally alone.

I simply cannot bare this aloneness any longer. I simply cannot be so alone, so totally alone.

Adoption

It grieved my heart tremendously to learn my late husband married me not because he loved me but because he needed someone to raise his son. Would I have married him if I had of known that? Absolutely not.

I deserved better. But being the faithful person I am I stayed with him all those years and sought to win his heart. Something I don’t believe I ever accomplished.

I raised his son as if he were my own I love him with all my heart. I adopted him when he was five. I remember I waited until he was old enough to know what it was that I was doing. And when we went to see the judge I remember the judge asking him do you want her to be your mother. Of course I was the only mother he knew so he said yes. I’m just that easy the adoption was complete.

The judge had a huge smile on his face and said let me escort you to records and we will get your name on the birth certificate. When we arrived to the records department to my horror and to the judges horror my husband refused to allow me to have my name placed on my son’s birth certificate. The judge told my husband it is normal for the adopting parent have their name placed on the birth certificate. But my husband refused and the judge was about to override him when I said no that’s fine we’ll leave the name as it is. So the judge placed my son’s adoption paper before the birth certificate so that everyone will know he was my son.

I knew that I was in for the fight of my life if I had changed the name on that certificate that day. I knew my late husband would never forgive me. Our marriage was already strained enough.

My husband never really let me be my son’s mother. He fought every decision I made And overruled every discipline that I tried to give. He accused me being partial with our other children So I had to discipline the others worse than I discipline my son in order to prevent my husband from fighting with me. I so hated my life.

And it wasn’t until my son grew up and moved away and began living on his own that he realized life at home was not normal. Since his father died we don’t discuss how he was raised. I’ve never discussed the way that his dad treated him so differently from the others. I know that he knows there was a major difference. I know the other children know that they were treated differently because they have talked to me about it. Someday I would like to talk to him about it but I don’t think he can handle it.

In many ways my son doesn’t acknowledge me as his mother. He went to college or seminary he was able to acquire a scholarship because he said he is an orphan. And he is able to make that claim because my name does not appear on his birth certificate. His birth mother died of a heart attack when he was just a few months old.

You know my heart broke when I learned what he did by claiming to be an orphan. It was all I could do to not confront him. I’m a very truth motivated person and that was the furthest thing from the truth. He is not an orphan I am his mother I raised him. I love him. I took care of him when he was sick. I took care of him when he was healthy. I taught him right from wrong. I taught him to read and to write.

I still love my son. He will always be my son.

About to change

Life as you know it is about to change.
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I heard those words as plain as day one year before my world fell apart. Little did I know just what that meant. I tried to ignore it. I tried to not acknowledge it but it was. How could that warning have helped me with if I had of acknowledged it. What difference could it of made. I don’t think any but it could have softened the blow of it all if I had of know how to react.
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What good is a warning with out knowledge of how to handle it.
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OMG I am so angry. I am so sad. I can’t handle me right now.
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What was I? Who was I? Why? Why? Why?
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I feel so rejected. I feel so lost. I feel so empty. I feel so ugly.
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I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want this life anymore.
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Somehow it must stop. Somehow it must end. Somehow. . .
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I can’t . . .

Life of a loser

I must really be a loser or something.

I went to my insurance agent to get a quote on a policy. The agent is always so happy to see me. However it seems like she is always having a bad or stressful day when I am there. She works long hours and is often sick.

After several minutes getting the quote and talking she told me that she is always so glad to see me. She told me I am a reminder that her life is not so bad after all. A reminder that things are going pretty good for her. And I didn’t even discuss anything about my life with her I just listened to her discuss her life. Needless to say I left there with my heart dragging the ground. And now I am here so sad and grief stricken thinking what is there even to live for anymore. I am friendless, jobless and family less.

I used to think things would work out. I used to think any employer would be lucky to have me as an employee. I know I am over qualified for a lot of jobs but I never cared, but the employers do.

I used to think I could easily find someone to date then reality hit and no one is even remotely interested in me except creepy people.

I used to be a confident and secure person who would help anyone and everyone. Now I just want to crawl into a cave and die. I used to live life now I just want to evaporate.

What is the use anymore anyway.

It is so discouraging when I needed help doing stuff I would ask but not find anyone to help. When ones would see what I have accomplished by my self they’d say you should have asked for help but I did and no one helped.

But over and over those same people are now asking me for free help I just want to say where we’re you when I was struggling so? Where were you when I took my life in my own hands lifting extremely heavy stuff over my head into the attic when I should not have been? Where were you when . . . And now you dare ask me to help you . . .

I know what will happen when my funds run out, there will be no around again. I know I will be the one that they say, I am so encouraged by you because you show me my life is not so bad after all.

Today I had a man complaining because he was having to do the work of two people and I told him that there are so many people out there looking who need jobs. He should consider hiring someone to help. His response and I quote: “You use the word looking loosely. Pretty much those not working aren’t worth beep n on the take. If there worth hiring, they already have a good job! Very sad…”

I had absolutely nothing to say to that because I am one of those people out of work. I am one of those people looking for a job not worth a beep n on the take. Me! I worked to same job for over 25 years with my late husband faithfully and only lost my job because he died and the church directors did not want me a woman and voted me out while I was on bereavement leave. Hit me when I was down they did. I should have let myself just die . . . I should have just gone ahead and died that dreadful day. Well actually I DID die that day. All my hopes and dreams died. All my reasons for living died that day. . .

All I can say is I must really be a loser or something.