I woke to the random strikes of my Windchime being tussled around in the cold wind. As the wind picks up the chime strikes louder creating an odd melody that if words were added to it would be quite a dramatic tune.
My late husband and I purchased this chime while visiting Ohio Amish country on our 20th anniversary almost 10 years ago. At the time I thought it had a nice ring to it. It hung on my front porch for many years. But if I recall correctly I looped the wind catcher up on the top piece disabling it from the endless chimes created by the Ohio winters winds.
The family I’m staying with while having cancer treatments have a chime in the backyard with a beautiful pitch that creates a wonderful melody. The tubes are larger in length and diameter; the clapper is positioned correctly within the tubing to create a soothing, meditative tune rather than a noise to scare birds and other animals away.
Wind chimes have always brought soothing tones echoing the music of the breeze and bringing a relaxed, positive, healing, meditative feeling. I remember walking in the evening listening to the various chimes in the distance. They created a place of peace and balance captured in song as I walked along. If I stop and allow sound over take me it can ease stress, improve focus, wash away anger, and soothe the soul … even right now in the middle of this Texas winter storm.
If I could get back home again.
I had been gone from “home” for 30 years and I thought, if I could just get back home again things would be good, things would be normal and happy.
I left because I was running away from my step-dad who was trying to kill me or at least I thought he was. No, I know he was. He has long since died and there is no longer a danger from him.
Since he is now dead I wanted to come home. I wanted to live near my mom, brothers and sister. I longed to have the relationships with my family that I missed out on for years. So I moved home.
What an illusion. I guess we all have had times like this, times where we thought if only it were this way or that way. I longed for something that will never be. I longed to be close to people who did not have a desire to be close to me. Now when I lived 2000 miles away they said and acted like they wanted to have me around but when push came to shove it just is not true.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Well, part of healing is acknowledging the lost hope, recognizing it will never be, forgiving and moving on. But still my heart breaks and still longs for what will never be. Now I must accept my fate. I must cry my tears of loss. I must heal from unrealistic hopes and dreams. I must accept I am alone and actively build friends and acquaintances around me that allow relationship to grow. I have always taught family is more than being blood related. Family is a bond that grows through hard work on both parties part.
If I could get back home again is not all that it is cracked up to be. Home is where we are. Home is where we are loved and accepted. Home is where we live and play. I have closure now. I no longer long for something I did not have and I no longer believe it would be better than what I had. No, it is just the same. Empty. But now I live with the realization that I can fill my emptiness with what brings me love and happiness and not feel guilty or long for something just beyond my reach.
How about you? What do you long for? What do you look back at and say, if I could just be there or do that? Do you long for a home that used to be but no longer is? In what do you need closure in order to move forward? Who or what do you need to forgive to heal? How can you fill your emptiness today?
When you go through something like I have, it makes you question everything you have ever believed in and it shakes you to your core.
After my husband died and all that was involved around his death, I began to wonder if I really believed what I thought I believed or if I believed it just because he wanted me to or required me to. What I have discovered it that I am who I am and I believe what I believe and I will not waver or change in my beliefs.
I am not as strict as he was in demanding perfection. I am more grace orientated. I do accept we are people and we have flaws, desires and ways of life that are different each other but that does not make a person bad or disqualify them in any way what so ever.
I am a person who loves to worship and will always be a worshipper. I may not need to hear a preacher preach or go to a Sunday school class to fulfill my needs spiritually; worship fulfills that need in me. Everything I do revolves around my desire and need to sing and worship. I need to worship corporately. I need to feel the spirit in a corporate way with other believers. I need to soar into the heavenliness every time I engage in worship. There is no substitute for worship. This is what I have discovered about myself. And I like what I have discovered.
Is it fear or love?
You also know love and understand it too but it cost something – love does
Not in the future but today in this moment – while talking and love flows from our hearts in its purest form.
Take what is given and accept – give freely and it will be returned.
Don’t be calculating just be love – did that once without even thinking – it can be read in the replies get from friends.
Fear can only stop the joy that love can bring – a devil tool – love is not something to be done big at first it grows.
Is it fear or love?
I have spent a lot of time pondering this question.
Is it fear or love? What prevents me from moving forward?
My answer would be love. I labeled it as fear but it is not.
Love because maybe I really don’t want to start a life here alone and miss out on something that may be or may have been. But then again what if I wait on something that was never to be. Love is willing to take that risk. I am willing to take that risk. I will just be love and allow my heart to mend and feel again.
Love must grow slow, not suddenly. Suddenlies evaporate or wither quickly.
Which bring me to faith.
As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead. (James 2:26 NIV) And without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6 NIV)
Faith and action go hand and hand, and are motivated by obedience which stems from a love of God or a fear (reverence in the purest form) of God.
My lack of movement wasn’t from not being motivated but a lack of faith. A lack of faith in myself. A lack of faith to believe I can hear the voice of God and know what to do and be right in that choice based upon the severity of pain that was cause from the direction I was previously going. I was walking in disbelief, doubt which could be sin like Thomas in Bible times. Fear is simply a lack of faith.
However God grace is sufficient for me. I just need to tap into it and receive it. Easier said than done.
From a conversation with a friend. Just a question: how can I write without revealing all the ugliness that has happened to me? You know how transparent I am! So I don’t dare put pen to paper because truth leaks out all over!
Answer: Just be who you are; it helps lots of people who are not confident enough to share publicly; transparency is not understood by some as powerful but weak, and they just don’t get why someone would want to have a community discussion about really important personal things. Personally I think it is worth the criticism to get some ideas on things that bother me and I get so much secret feedback from the timid that they appreciate it, that I just ignore the detractors! Reading some of Paul’s writings he seems to “let it all hang out”……..
Reply: Oh Paul sure does and so does Christ. Wow what if Jesus had not overthrown the money changers? What if Jesus had not challenged the pharisees? What if he had not eaten with tax collectors and prostitutes or that grain of corn on sabbath? Christ was transparent in his walk on earth . . . But look at the persecution he endured John 5:16 So, because Jesus was doing these things on the … And this was why the Jews were persecuting Jesus, because he was doing these things … the Jews persecuted Jesus, and sought to slay him.
So my question is: was I persecuted because I was doing the will of my Father? Or was I persecuted because I was not good enough? And that is the question that immobilizes me and renders me useless for the church. Can’t get beyond it. It torments me in the night season. I avoid talking to anyone from my past because it always leaks out.
My childhood slaps me on the face. The words my earthly daddy told me echoes in my head. “You will never be good enough!” It was to motivator to excel in all I did, to be the best of the best. But now I surrender to the reality it must be true. There is no fight left in me.
It is funny Peter is saying that they have LEFT (Mark 19:28) everything to follow Christ but I lost everything because I followed Christ. Makes my heart break. What a great price we pay to be followers of Christ more than anyone in the world realizes. It is a serious matter when someone decides to become a Christian because the cost is very great. It is no small thing to make a commitment such as this.
I found that now I live a very lonely and sad existence even though I try extremely hard to be happy. I know happiness cannot be found in anything but Christ but I can’t believe He wants us to live like this when he gives us personalities such as I have that are very outgoing. The emptiness and void I now feel is so difficult to comprehend.
Then again it was at the hand of man that I am in the spot I am in. I don’t believe it is God’s doing or in God’s will that I am in the place I currently find myself. I have always been able to separate the actions of man and the actions of God. This was the hand of man that has all but destroyed me to my very core.
I am having a tremendously difficult time overcoming all that has happened to me since my husband’s death. Depression knocks at my door daily sometimes hourly and even moment by moment. I battle and war against it but I am so battle weary and it is getting much harder to stay the faith.