You said I was guarded. I was guarded because I didn’t want my heart to feel hurt again. I was guarded because I wasn’t sure I could trust. I let my guard down and chose to trust and now my heart is hurting again. I feel lost again. Except I know how amazing you were and how wonderful you made me feel. And how we felt together. I felt complete with you not that I was not complete before. But you revealed to me what was missing and I didn’t even know it was missing and it was so comfortable and easy and now I know it is indeed missing. I feel lack now.
I don’t understand. I need to understand. How could something that felt so right be so wrong? So wrong that you don’t want it anymore? I just need to understand what was so wrong.
I know our relationship is just a friendship now. I understand it is a struggle for you to keep going with the relationship thinking it would work when you don’t feel it will. I heard your fear of getting 6 months down the road only to find this is not the relationship for you. I accept your boundaries. I am not a spoiled brat that I am going to rant and cry for something that the other person doesn’t want.
I took a risk. I knew what I was doing. I felt and feel it was worth the risk. But it does hurt and make me sad. I so miss you. I so miss your embrace. I so miss you holding me in your arms all night. I miss holding you all night. I miss feeling your heart beat. I miss listening to your breathing as you sleep. I miss our complicated conversations. I miss your deep thoughts. I miss creating meals together and cleaning up afterwards. I miss the adventure you have the ability to create. I miss your friendship. I miss you.
I am different. It is true. I don’t dress sexy. I don’t reveal what should not be revealed in public. I don’t wear 6 inch heals. I don’t flirt. I don’t hang all over you and anyone for that matter. I guess I never learn to do all of that. I am not street smart. It is true I am very different but I am just me. I am a great person with a lot to share and give that right person.
I suppose I gave you more of me than I realized. But I do realize it now. And I’d still give it to you if I had to do it all over again. You were worth it. I feel alive again. However I have major moments of wishing I were still sleeping instead of feeling alive. These “feelings” make me nervous. I have no idea what to do next.
I do apologize for walking away in the middle of a conversation that night. You are right I should not have done that. You were talking with another person and I wanted water and I decided to go and get it. I was tired of waiting on the waitress to come to us. And I should have found you before going to my car to get what I needed. I do regret working so much and not getting to spend more time with you. I regret my faith caused conflict in our relationship. It is true I am still struggling with where I am in all of that. I know I will someday completely forgive the church leaders that conducted business the way they did. I realize it was not the “church” but a small group of people. I need to learn to keep all that to myself. But then again, that was why I was so guarded in the beginning. You wanted me to let my guard down with you. And I did.
I just wish you would not so over think everything. I went to visit my dear friend and she listened to me as only she does and could. She let me express my loss and my feelings then she embraced me in such a Motherly way. She told me “you young people just over think things too much when you just need to enjoy each other.” She is right. She then proceeded to tell me about her and husband’s relationship and how they came to be. Things were simpler back then I guess. She advised me to write you and express myself but I told her I would not do that because I don’t want you to have hard feelings towards me. And I don’t want you to feel I was “begging” or treating you like I was treated by th another man who could not take no for an answer.
So I am conflicted in my heart because she is right I do need to express myself but I don’t want to send this and risk having you read between the lines. Just read it as it is, an expression of my heart.
Like you, with your note, I so want to make sure you understand what I am saying. Please know I am not angry with you. I am just confused seeking understanding so I can settle my heart and continue on with life.
I value you and would love to continue as friends as well.
***** 6 weeks later . . .
Needless to say I never sent this and I am still on pause unable to move forward.
The guy you ask? What happened with the guy . . .
Well he moved on right away. He is back with one of his ex’s and he asked her to marry him. She said, yes.
Me? What you ask about me? Well . . . I do love him but I am willing to let him go, and live and be happy. Although it breaks my heart that it is not with me.
Why? Because love doesn’t suffocate. Love doesn’t chase after what it can’t have. Love allows the other to be happy and satisfied.
I am an awesome lady. Beautiful, smart, loving, compassionate, full of life and I have a lifetime of love and joy to give to the right person who is going to love me back and value the wonderful person I am. I am first choice. I’m a great choice. One day I will be chosen and it will be worth it!