Melody of the Windchime

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I woke to the random strikes of my Windchime being tussled around in the cold wind. As the wind picks up the chime strikes louder creating an odd melody that if words were added to it would be quite a dramatic tune.

My late husband and I purchased this chime while visiting Ohio Amish country on our 20th anniversary almost 10 years ago. At the time I thought it had a nice ring to it. It hung on my front porch for many years. But if I recall correctly I looped the wind catcher up on the top piece disabling it from the endless chimes created by the Ohio winters winds.

The family I’m staying with while having cancer treatments have a chime in the backyard with a beautiful pitch that creates a wonderful melody. The tubes are larger in length and diameter; the clapper is positioned correctly within the tubing to create a soothing, meditative tune rather than a noise to scare birds and other animals away.

Wind chimes have always brought soothing tones echoing the music of the breeze and bringing a relaxed, positive, healing, meditative feeling. I remember walking in the evening listening to the various chimes in the distance. They created a place of peace and balance captured in song as I walked along. If I stop and allow sound over take me it can ease stress, improve focus, wash away anger, and soothe the soul … even right now in the middle of this Texas winter storm.

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Me and The Ant

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I saw a little ant today crawling around on a rock and my first instant was to squish it. I was reminded of my own life how I am going about my business when suddenly, unexpectedly I feel like I am being squished. Like the ant I didn’t see it coming. I did not see the giant finger that sought to take my life. And like the ant, it took more than one attempt before the life was squished out of me. I try to looking for the ant that I tried so hard to squish and it is not to be found. It must have lived and crawled away. Will it survive? I don’t know. They are resilient creatures, quite amazing in many ways.

Of course you have watched an ant about its business forging for food, protecting its hill! Amazing in many ways. So small but so tuff. They have remarkable strength. I wonder if the ant ever gets overwhelmed. I wonder if the ant ever gets sick except when I spray them with ant killer! I wonder if the ant ever needs another ant to hug, to smile at, to talk to… Amazing!

Friendly Banter or Meanness

 

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“You have a mean streak,” I was told one evening.

Valid. I have become very tired of putting up with what’s being dished out to me. After spending the evening being teased just for the enjoyment of it, I started giving it back and the person didn’t like it. Funny how it can be dished out and call “having fun.” When enough is enough, one should stop teasing when ask to. If they don’t stop teasing then it is an open invitation to return the banter, right?! I only gave it out exactly as it was given to me. So was the person really being mean to me since they didn’t like hearing it come back to them, same words, same tone, same everything? Perhaps they were. Which ever the case, I’ve decided not to give them anymore of my precious time. I only have a little bit left and I want to use it wisely.

No one can get time spent back, so we must invest it in what we love the most.

 

Love Hurts ~ An Unsent Love Letter

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You said I was guarded. I was guarded because I didn’t want my heart to feel hurt again. I was guarded because I wasn’t sure I could trust. I let my guard down and chose to trust and now my heart is hurting again. I feel lost again. Except I know how amazing you were and how wonderful you made me feel. And how we felt together. I felt complete with you not that I was not complete before. But you revealed to me what was missing and I didn’t even know it was missing and it was so comfortable and easy and now I know it is indeed missing. I feel lack now.

I don’t understand. I need to understand. How could something that felt so right be so wrong? So wrong that you don’t want it anymore? I just need to understand what was so wrong.

I know our relationship is just a friendship now. I understand it is a struggle for you to keep going with the relationship thinking it would work when you don’t feel it will. I heard your fear of getting 6 months down the road only to find this is not the relationship for you. I accept your boundaries. I am not a spoiled brat that I am going to rant and cry for something that the other person doesn’t want.

I took a risk. I knew what I was doing. I felt and feel it was worth the risk. But it does hurt and make me sad. I so miss you. I so miss your embrace. I so miss you holding me in your arms all night. I miss holding you all night. I miss feeling your heart beat. I miss listening to your breathing as you sleep. I miss our complicated conversations. I miss your deep thoughts. I miss creating meals together and cleaning up afterwards. I miss the adventure you have the ability to create. I miss your friendship. I miss you.

I am different. It is true. I don’t dress sexy. I don’t reveal what should not be revealed in public. I don’t wear 6 inch heals. I don’t flirt. I don’t hang all over you and anyone for that matter. I guess I never learn to do all of that. I am not street smart. It is true I am very different but I am just me. I am a great person with a lot to share and give that right person.

I suppose I gave you more of me than I realized. But I do realize it now. And I’d still give it to you if I had to do it all over again. You were worth it. I feel alive again. However I have major moments of wishing I were still sleeping instead of feeling alive. These “feelings” make me nervous. I have no idea what to do next.

I do apologize for walking away in the middle of a conversation that night. You are right I should not have done that. You were talking with another person and I wanted water and I decided to go and get it. I was tired of waiting on the waitress to come to us. And I should have found you before going to my car to get what I needed. I do regret working so much and not getting to spend more time with you. I regret my faith caused conflict in our relationship. It is true I am still struggling with where I am in all of that. I know I will someday completely forgive the church leaders that conducted business the way they did. I realize it was not the “church” but a small group of people. I need to learn to keep all that to myself. But then again, that was why I was so guarded in the beginning. You wanted me to let my guard down with you. And I did.

I just wish you would not so over think everything. I went to visit my dear friend and she listened to me as only she does and could. She let me express my loss and my feelings then she embraced me in such a Motherly way. She told me “you young people just over think things too much when you just need to enjoy each other.” She is right. She then proceeded to tell me about her and husband’s relationship and how they came to be. Things were simpler back then I guess. She advised me to write you and express myself but I told her I would not do that because I don’t want you to have hard feelings towards me. And I don’t want you to feel I was “begging” or treating you like I was treated by th another man who could not take no for an answer.

So I am conflicted in my heart because she is right I do need to express myself but I don’t want to send this and risk having you read between the lines. Just read it as it is, an expression of my heart.
Like you, with your note, I so want to make sure you understand what I am saying. Please know I am not angry with you. I am just confused seeking understanding so I can settle my heart and continue on with life.

I value you and would love to continue as friends as well.

***** 6 weeks later . . .
Needless to say I never sent this and I am still on pause unable to move forward.

The guy you ask? What happened with the guy . . .
Well he moved on right away. He is back with one of his ex’s and he asked her to marry him. She said, yes.

Me? What you ask about me? Well . . . I do love him but I am willing to let him go, and live and be happy. Although it breaks my heart that it is not with me.

Why? Because love doesn’t suffocate. Love doesn’t chase after what it can’t have. Love allows the other to be happy and satisfied.

I am an awesome lady. Beautiful, smart, loving, compassionate, full of life and I have a lifetime of love and joy to give to the right person who is going to love me back and value the wonderful person I am. I am first choice. I’m a great choice. One day I will be chosen and it will be worth it!

If I Could Get Home Again

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If I could get back home again.

I had been gone from “home” for 30 years and I thought, if I could just get back home again things would be good, things would be normal and happy.

I left because I was running away from my step-dad who was trying to kill me or at least I thought he was. No, I know he was. He has long since died and there is no longer a danger from him.

Since he is now dead I wanted to come home. I wanted to live near my mom, brothers and sister. I longed to have the relationships with my family that I missed out on for years. So I moved home.

What an illusion. I guess we all have had times like this, times where we thought if only it were this way or that way. I longed for something that will never be. I longed to be close to people who did not have a desire to be close to me. Now when I lived 2000 miles away they said and acted like they wanted to have me around but when push came to shove it just is not true.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Well, part of healing is acknowledging the lost hope, recognizing it will never be, forgiving and moving on. But still my heart breaks and still longs for what will never be. Now I must accept my fate. I must cry my tears of loss. I must heal from unrealistic hopes and dreams. I must accept I am alone and actively build friends and acquaintances around me that allow relationship to grow. I have always taught family is more than being blood related. Family is a bond that grows through hard work on both parties part.

If I could get back home again is not all that it is cracked up to be. Home is where we are. Home is where we are loved and accepted. Home is where we live and play. I have closure now. I no longer long for something I did not have and I no longer believe it would be better than what I had. No, it is just the same. Empty. But now I live with the realization that I can fill my emptiness with what brings me love and happiness and not feel guilty or long for something just beyond my reach.

How about you? What do you long for? What do you look back at and say, if I could just be there or do that? Do you long for a home that used to be but no longer is? In what do you need closure in order to move forward? Who or what do you need to forgive to heal? How can you fill your emptiness today?

What’s Lost

I was recently reading an article that boasted about what the author had gained over the years. I know better than to dwell too deeply on what I read. I have become an avid reader again this last year. I read everything, almost from novels to news articles and everything in between. I still dislike horror but love a good mystery.

The author of the article stated he had gained: a marriage, a career, a house and some security over the years as he aged. He also proceeded to disclose what he had lost. I had become too distracted by what he gained to even begin to be focused on what he thought he has lost. He gained everything I have lost in an instant. He too could lose all of that and more in an instant.

I wonder, more than sometimes, more like often, if people really realize how fragile life actually is. Sure we all know we could die in an instant. But there is something even more devastating than dying. Actually, dying is more merciful than being left behind. Being left behind and having my world crumble around me is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

You may say or think I have not known or felt tragedy but you’d be mistaken. You see I was raised by abusive people. From what I have been told by relatives I was beaten up at 6 weeks and thrown into a trash can left for dead by my birth dad. I was abused physically, mentally and sexually by numerous male family members including my step dad, uncle, brother and strangers. I was a shooting victim at a bank robbery where I used to work. I was struck by lightening while riding in a car which gave me a stroke. I could go on but you get the picture. I have had opportunity to grow and thrive through a lot of adversity.

So on that fateful day when I lost my husband I had no idea everything I knew would be taken from me in the following weeks. Living through this loss has been the worst nightmare I have ever had to endure.

It has been 3 long years and I have almost depleted my savings. I work hard not to dwell on my uncertain future. I continue to apply for jobs only to be turned down, I am not so young anymore. Too young to draw any benefits so I must find find work. I, like the author of the article I am reading, had a marriage that I thought would last and we would grow old together, retire and move into eternity together. I though I had a career that was secure, after all I earned a doctorate, I am educated! I thought I would be able to keep my house, but it just was not so. I though I had some financial security for when I grow old, but I am thankful I have it so I can live on it now. In an instant, in a twinkling of an eye it all changed, never to be the same again.

Life is fragile. It is meant to be lived now and enjoyed now. We are not promised tomorrow or even today.

I Miss

I miss my life. I miss the past simple as that. I miss the people that used to be in my life. I miss the familiar. I miss the comfortable. I miss feeling loved and at least thinking I was accepted. I miss what I was. I liked what I was and who I was. I miss me. I don’t even know who I am now. I have not landed on my feet and may not. I don’t want to keep looking backwards but when there is nothing to look forward to backwards is all there is. Yes, backwards nearly killed me. Yes, backwards was abusive. Yes, backwards is not where I belong anymore but it is better than this emptiness I currently living in.

I feel like I am imprisoned with myself and cannot escape.