Depression is NOT a Choice

Depression is not a choice. Do you hear me !!! Depression is not a choice.

You don’t just wake up one morning depressed. Depression creeps up on you slowly, little by little. It is mixed with highs that make you think you are ok. Highs that allow you to make others think you are ok. When reality is you are caught in a tornado that is spiraling out of control to the the point of no return. 

Depression pushes everyone away and isolates. Depression sets everything up for failure while you lie to yourself hoping and believing it will be ok. Depression is a slow killer worse than any cancer. There is no radiation, chemo or magic pill that will cure it. 
Depression is the one disease that is culturally unacceptable. That is why it is so hidden. That is why we are so shocked when friends kill themselves because of it. 
The question is what do we do when we find ourselves sunk into a depression?
I recently told one of my friends I was battling depression and the response I got was, to be exact, “well that’s your choice.” It has has only made me more depressed. Feel more alone. Be more isolated. 
Every moment I have to choose life. Every moment I have to choose to keep living. Every moment I have to choose to wake up. Every moment I have to choose to keep breathing. These are the real choices of of a depression. Depression is not a choice.

Reality check!

Feelings 12/24/14

My assignment was to identify my feelings and journal about them.
Soooo
Right now I regret ever moving to Ohio. I regret ever disconnecting with my family in Texas. I regret many of the early choices I made.
Why did I make them? Desperation. Trying to survive instead of live. Maybe I’ve come back here and I’m in that mode of life again.
I just wish I knew where I am suppose to be because I’d be there doing whatever it is that I’m suppose to be doing.
I moved to Ohio running from my step dad. I stayed in Ohio because I got married and had a family. I never belonged there. 
I feel like ministry was a waste. I was doing it out of a call but also to build my future. Everything I did was to build a future. I was looking ahead hoping. I was sowing into what I thought was not only my eternal future but also my earthly future. I was trying to build relationships that would stand the test of time. But I was just the minister. I was just the one they called on in time of need.
I did live a guarded life careful not to get too emotionally attached simply because I had to be strong through crisis. I had to be there for the families that needed emotional support. Didn’t mean I didn’t love. Didn’t mean I didn’t care. Didn’t mean I didn’t hurt. It was just a conditioning we had in order to be present when needed.
And now I find my conditioning doesn’t work on myself! I feel every aspect of the hurt. I feel every aspect of the pain. I feel it all and now I don’t know what to do with it.
I wonder if all the years of being strong for others is crashing in on me? I wonder if that is why I am not able to cope well? 
4-13-2015
Reality check!
Regret?! Really?! No way 
In reality things should have been the same or worst if I’d stayed in Texas instead of moving away and making a life for myself. The only difference . . . Well, I may not have survived back then. I was on a course of destruction, self destruction and I would have succeeded. It is a very good thing I moved away and was able to get the help I needed during that season of life. 
I don’t regret leaving. I don’t regret coming back. It has helped me to understand this is not particularly where I should be. Right now I’m not exactly sure where that is but I do know it is not here. But this has been a divine stop in my journey of life. I needed this stop. I needed these people in my life. I thought I needed my family but but God places the people in our lives that He wants to be our family during the times that they are assigned. 
I see I am beginning to heal, not only physically from the cancer but also emotionally and spiritually. I know I’m not there yet but I will get there. I’m going to be ok. I’m going to be even better than ok. I know I will be.

About to change

Life as you know it is about to change.
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I heard those words as plain as day one year before my world fell apart. Little did I know just what that meant. I tried to ignore it. I tried to not acknowledge it but it was. How could that warning have helped me with if I had of acknowledged it. What difference could it of made. I don’t think any but it could have softened the blow of it all if I had of know how to react.
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What good is a warning with out knowledge of how to handle it.
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OMG I am so angry. I am so sad. I can’t handle me right now.
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What was I? Who was I? Why? Why? Why?
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I feel so rejected. I feel so lost. I feel so empty. I feel so ugly.
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I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want this life anymore.
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Somehow it must stop. Somehow it must end. Somehow. . .
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I can’t . . .