I remember when my babies were in diapers. It seems that they were in diapers for eternity. My late husband used to say he couldn’t wait until he didn’t have to buy diapers anymore.
Then came prostate cancer. It seemed as soon as we stopped buying baby diapers we had to begin buying adult diapers.
This morning I’m reminded of that comment he made. We battled cancer for 17 long horrendous years. I hated that my husband died of cancer. I hate it when he drew his last breath. But I must admit I was so thankful to not be battling cancer anymore. I’ve not yet hit the five-year mark from the day he died that dreadful day. And I sit here battling my own cancer for 3 months now.
My beauty was attacked, my breast. Well I am still beautiful. I am still desirable and someday I will be remarried; have no idea who to. . . AND I will make my future husband the happiest man in the world because THAT is who and what I am. And I get to rebuild my breast even more beautifully prefect than before.
Cancer you suck! But I have a hope and a future! I will LIVE AND NOT DIE!!!
I was recently reading an article that boasted about what the author had gained over the years. I know better than to dwell too deeply on what I read. I have become an avid reader again this last year. I read everything, almost from novels to news articles and everything in between. I still dislike horror but love a good mystery.
The author of the article stated he had gained: a marriage, a career, a house and some security over the years as he aged. He also proceeded to disclose what he had lost. I had become too distracted by what he gained to even begin to be focused on what he thought he has lost. He gained everything I have lost in an instant. He too could lose all of that and more in an instant.
I wonder, more than sometimes, more like often, if people really realize how fragile life actually is. Sure we all know we could die in an instant. But there is something even more devastating than dying. Actually, dying is more merciful than being left behind. Being left behind and having my world crumble around me is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
You may say or think I have not known or felt tragedy but you’d be mistaken. You see I was raised by abusive people. From what I have been told by relatives I was beaten up at 6 weeks and thrown into a trash can left for dead by my birth dad. I was abused physically, mentally and sexually by numerous male family members including my step dad, uncle, brother and strangers. I was a shooting victim at a bank robbery where I used to work. I was struck by lightening while riding in a car which gave me a stroke. I could go on but you get the picture. I have had opportunity to grow and thrive through a lot of adversity.
So on that fateful day when I lost my husband I had no idea everything I knew would be taken from me in the following weeks. Living through this loss has been the worst nightmare I have ever had to endure.
It has been 3 long years and I have almost depleted my savings. I work hard not to dwell on my uncertain future. I continue to apply for jobs only to be turned down, I am not so young anymore. Too young to draw any benefits so I must find find work. I, like the author of the article I am reading, had a marriage that I thought would last and we would grow old together, retire and move into eternity together. I though I had a career that was secure, after all I earned a doctorate, I am educated! I thought I would be able to keep my house, but it just was not so. I though I had some financial security for when I grow old, but I am thankful I have it so I can live on it now. In an instant, in a twinkling of an eye it all changed, never to be the same again.
Life is fragile. It is meant to be lived now and enjoyed now. We are not promised tomorrow or even today.
I miss my life. I miss the past simple as that. I miss the people that used to be in my life. I miss the familiar. I miss the comfortable. I miss feeling loved and at least thinking I was accepted. I miss what I was. I liked what I was and who I was. I miss me. I don’t even know who I am now. I have not landed on my feet and may not. I don’t want to keep looking backwards but when there is nothing to look forward to backwards is all there is. Yes, backwards nearly killed me. Yes, backwards was abusive. Yes, backwards is not where I belong anymore but it is better than this emptiness I currently living in.
I feel like I am imprisoned with myself and cannot escape.
@Cognito2you: We don’t die inhaling. We exhale leaving it all behind. I have seen it happen many times wish I had not though. #truthbeknown
Return to where and why. If only I’d known all my labor was in vain would I of labored so hard? I think not. I think I would have changed my focus. But on what… This is the opportunity to discover that what, that what, if only I knew, but I don’t.
What would I counsel people now, now that I have walked this walk and see with these eyes.
He died while watching a John Wayne movie. He simply fell asleep in his chair and never woke up.
He was in active duty in Korea, US Navy. When he returned home from the war he was not the same. He suffered severe depression and was hospitalized. In those days they did not know how to treat depression so over 100 electric shock treatments were administered to him by the VA Hospital. He was fried and diagnosed as having schizophrenia. But as one VA case worker told me many years later, he believed the schizophrenia was caused form the PTSD and the shock treatments.
I was the only one at the grave side service that winter day sitting on that cold concrete bench. Just me and a minister who said the prayer.
There was my Dad’s coffin draped with the American flag. Taps was played but it seemed distant and far away. Then the two solders ceremonially folded the flag into that familiar triangle. The female soldier came and kneeled at my feet and presented the flag to me saying in almost a whisper, “On behalf of the President of the United States and the Chief of Naval Operations, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s service to this Country and a grateful Navy.” Her eyes were so full of compassion and I could tell her heart was breaking. Was it because she saw my utter loneliness or because I was there completely alone at such a difficult time? I will never know.
Then much to my surprise, three shots rang out.
And as quickly as it began it was over.