Death of a Dream of Love

My heart is heavy. I hoped on that which I should not have hoped. I love that which I should not have given my love to. I thought that I could build on something grow and nurture something and in fact I could never have. Not because of any fault on my part. I am a person of integrity. I am a person of high standards. But I was a pawn in somebody else’s hand. I was a play toy. I was something that they were simply using to fill their own pleasure.

My heart is completely broken. I have a sense of hopelessness to me now. I wasted time, precious time. Time is something I don’t have an abundance of anymore. All I wanted was love. All I wanted was happiness. All I wanted was to share my life with somebody who wanted to share their life with me. I didn’t want somebody that was going to play with my heart, that was going to screw around on me, that was going to use me and then toss me aside.

I know now that I need to confront truth. I know now that I need to confront, confront and resolve. Oh the joys of life. To live, to love, to have a broken heart.

Friendly Banter or Meanness

 

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“You have a mean streak,” I was told one evening.

Valid. I have become very tired of putting up with what’s being dished out to me. After spending the evening being teased just for the enjoyment of it, I started giving it back and the person didn’t like it. Funny how it can be dished out and call “having fun.” When enough is enough, one should stop teasing when ask to. If they don’t stop teasing then it is an open invitation to return the banter, right?! I only gave it out exactly as it was given to me. So was the person really being mean to me since they didn’t like hearing it come back to them, same words, same tone, same everything? Perhaps they were. Which ever the case, I’ve decided not to give them anymore of my precious time. I only have a little bit left and I want to use it wisely.

No one can get time spent back, so we must invest it in what we love the most.

 

Mind Control

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I read a great quote today by one of my favorite people, Paula White.
“If you spend too much time worried about who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are! Don’t lose yourself!”

I must admit that I wept when I read this quote because I realized I did lose myself.

I worried about what somebody else wanted me to be so much that I forgot what I was. I forgot who I was called to be. I forgot the leader that I was called to be. I was so influenced by their opinion and what they thought was right and wrong that I no longer had thoughts for myself. I was merely a puppet on a string.

I didn’t know this about myself until after their death. I didn’t realize the strong influence that I had allowed them to have over me. And it has taken me years to break that soul tie that they had on me. I think that I am finally breaking free however I know that there are still areas of my life that are still bound by their influence.

Control, especially mind control is a very evil monster. It creeps into our heart and soul when we’re not realizing it and destroys our very fiber if we allow it to. Of course that form of control can only happen when we completely trust the person we are allowing to control us. Or perhaps we allow it to control us when we’re so afraid of the person that’s controlling us so we no longer allow our independent thoughts to happen. The outcome is the same no matter what.

A person who has not been allowed to develop and be the person that they’re called to be are actually stunted in their growth. I liken it to having your legs chopped off at the knee so that you have to be pushed around in a wheelchair so that you’re not allowed to go to and fro as you want to without being under the complete submission of another person.

I must admit this is exactly what happened in my own life. I allowed another person to fashion, to form, to establish, to define every aspect of what I thought and believed. So much so that when that person was no longer a part of my life I did not know who I was, what I believed, or what I was to be about doing. I was shaken to my very core, to the very fiber of my being. My belief system was so shaken that I didn’t even know up from down.

Now I didn’t make a decision that one day I’m going to allow someone to have that much influence over my life. No, that happened in a very slow process. That much influence happened day by day, week by week, month by month, one thought after one thought, after one thought.

I suppose I can honestly say that I feared this individual greatly. And as a result of my fear of him I allowed him to have control over my thoughts and my processes. I wished I had a stood up to him. I wish that would’ve been mature enough to recognize what was happening and take a stand for myself. Or I wish someone had of spoken up while it was happening in order to have stopped it from happening. But it was after the fact that I was told that I had been under severe control by this individual. And again even when I was told I was under the control I didn’t recognize it until years later when I could look back and see the effects of it.

The abuse of control can be crippling. I am now learning to stand on my own two feet. I am now learning who I am and what I’m called to be. But I realize I walk with a limp and I guess that limp will always remind me never to allow anyone to control me as I was controlled by this person in the past.

Love Hurts ~ An Unsent Love Letter

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You said I was guarded. I was guarded because I didn’t want my heart to feel hurt again. I was guarded because I wasn’t sure I could trust. I let my guard down and chose to trust and now my heart is hurting again. I feel lost again. Except I know how amazing you were and how wonderful you made me feel. And how we felt together. I felt complete with you not that I was not complete before. But you revealed to me what was missing and I didn’t even know it was missing and it was so comfortable and easy and now I know it is indeed missing. I feel lack now.

I don’t understand. I need to understand. How could something that felt so right be so wrong? So wrong that you don’t want it anymore? I just need to understand what was so wrong.

I know our relationship is just a friendship now. I understand it is a struggle for you to keep going with the relationship thinking it would work when you don’t feel it will. I heard your fear of getting 6 months down the road only to find this is not the relationship for you. I accept your boundaries. I am not a spoiled brat that I am going to rant and cry for something that the other person doesn’t want.

I took a risk. I knew what I was doing. I felt and feel it was worth the risk. But it does hurt and make me sad. I so miss you. I so miss your embrace. I so miss you holding me in your arms all night. I miss holding you all night. I miss feeling your heart beat. I miss listening to your breathing as you sleep. I miss our complicated conversations. I miss your deep thoughts. I miss creating meals together and cleaning up afterwards. I miss the adventure you have the ability to create. I miss your friendship. I miss you.

I am different. It is true. I don’t dress sexy. I don’t reveal what should not be revealed in public. I don’t wear 6 inch heals. I don’t flirt. I don’t hang all over you and anyone for that matter. I guess I never learn to do all of that. I am not street smart. It is true I am very different but I am just me. I am a great person with a lot to share and give that right person.

I suppose I gave you more of me than I realized. But I do realize it now. And I’d still give it to you if I had to do it all over again. You were worth it. I feel alive again. However I have major moments of wishing I were still sleeping instead of feeling alive. These “feelings” make me nervous. I have no idea what to do next.

I do apologize for walking away in the middle of a conversation that night. You are right I should not have done that. You were talking with another person and I wanted water and I decided to go and get it. I was tired of waiting on the waitress to come to us. And I should have found you before going to my car to get what I needed. I do regret working so much and not getting to spend more time with you. I regret my faith caused conflict in our relationship. It is true I am still struggling with where I am in all of that. I know I will someday completely forgive the church leaders that conducted business the way they did. I realize it was not the “church” but a small group of people. I need to learn to keep all that to myself. But then again, that was why I was so guarded in the beginning. You wanted me to let my guard down with you. And I did.

I just wish you would not so over think everything. I went to visit my dear friend and she listened to me as only she does and could. She let me express my loss and my feelings then she embraced me in such a Motherly way. She told me “you young people just over think things too much when you just need to enjoy each other.” She is right. She then proceeded to tell me about her and husband’s relationship and how they came to be. Things were simpler back then I guess. She advised me to write you and express myself but I told her I would not do that because I don’t want you to have hard feelings towards me. And I don’t want you to feel I was “begging” or treating you like I was treated by th another man who could not take no for an answer.

So I am conflicted in my heart because she is right I do need to express myself but I don’t want to send this and risk having you read between the lines. Just read it as it is, an expression of my heart.
Like you, with your note, I so want to make sure you understand what I am saying. Please know I am not angry with you. I am just confused seeking understanding so I can settle my heart and continue on with life.

I value you and would love to continue as friends as well.

***** 6 weeks later . . .
Needless to say I never sent this and I am still on pause unable to move forward.

The guy you ask? What happened with the guy . . .
Well he moved on right away. He is back with one of his ex’s and he asked her to marry him. She said, yes.

Me? What you ask about me? Well . . . I do love him but I am willing to let him go, and live and be happy. Although it breaks my heart that it is not with me.

Why? Because love doesn’t suffocate. Love doesn’t chase after what it can’t have. Love allows the other to be happy and satisfied.

I am an awesome lady. Beautiful, smart, loving, compassionate, full of life and I have a lifetime of love and joy to give to the right person who is going to love me back and value the wonderful person I am. I am first choice. I’m a great choice. One day I will be chosen and it will be worth it!

If I Could Get Home Again

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If I could get back home again.

I had been gone from “home” for 30 years and I thought, if I could just get back home again things would be good, things would be normal and happy.

I left because I was running away from my step-dad who was trying to kill me or at least I thought he was. No, I know he was. He has long since died and there is no longer a danger from him.

Since he is now dead I wanted to come home. I wanted to live near my mom, brothers and sister. I longed to have the relationships with my family that I missed out on for years. So I moved home.

What an illusion. I guess we all have had times like this, times where we thought if only it were this way or that way. I longed for something that will never be. I longed to be close to people who did not have a desire to be close to me. Now when I lived 2000 miles away they said and acted like they wanted to have me around but when push came to shove it just is not true.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Well, part of healing is acknowledging the lost hope, recognizing it will never be, forgiving and moving on. But still my heart breaks and still longs for what will never be. Now I must accept my fate. I must cry my tears of loss. I must heal from unrealistic hopes and dreams. I must accept I am alone and actively build friends and acquaintances around me that allow relationship to grow. I have always taught family is more than being blood related. Family is a bond that grows through hard work on both parties part.

If I could get back home again is not all that it is cracked up to be. Home is where we are. Home is where we are loved and accepted. Home is where we live and play. I have closure now. I no longer long for something I did not have and I no longer believe it would be better than what I had. No, it is just the same. Empty. But now I live with the realization that I can fill my emptiness with what brings me love and happiness and not feel guilty or long for something just beyond my reach.

How about you? What do you long for? What do you look back at and say, if I could just be there or do that? Do you long for a home that used to be but no longer is? In what do you need closure in order to move forward? Who or what do you need to forgive to heal? How can you fill your emptiness today?

Men!

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Does God really need to test us so we can discover what our character really is made of? Really, is this necessary? Let me tell you a true life story that happen to me recently.

As many of you that have been following me know I was widowed just over 3 years ago. I am now ready to get on with my life. I have begun to ask God to send the right man into my life. I have even described the characteristics I am seeking. I do not know the first thing about looking for a suitable mate so I am just carrying on with my normal life but leaving room for God to reveal the person he has for me.

I am a very outdoorsy type of person love kayaking, biking, hiking, etc. I am outdoors until there is no more daylight. I am also very involved in my communities. I live in an area where it is very easy to be involved not only where I live but also neighboring communities. I have gotten to know hundreds of people in the last couple of years and I love it here.

About a month ago I purchased a new kayak so I’d have one for me and one to loan out so others can have fun on the water with me. I have a carrier that mounts on the roof of my SUV to haul them around. I was trying to get the roof rack adjusted so the yaks would ride balanced on it. I was struggling like crazy and could not get it to adjust when one of the local police officers saw me struggling stopped and offered to help. I was very grateful especially when I discovered the rack would not have adjusted without two people sliding the bracket at the same time. He stayed and visited for over a half hour. I showed him my new investment and he shared he wanted to buy a fishing yak. I had just purchased one and he checked it out. We discussed our families and the joys of living in a very small community on a beautiful lake. I took note that he was a handsome officer.

Over the course of the next few days I noticed he drove by the house frequently. And when I drove through the neighborhood he was frequently around. When I would go to the lake to put the yak in he would show up and park on top of the cliff and observe. I actually was comforted by the fact that there was an officer present while I kayaked alone on the lake because I knew if I got into trouble someone was close by. I began to wonder about him.

In my little town the police, fire and community center are all in one building. The fire station not only houses the firetrucks but also the zuma class and various other meetings. You can almost count our residents on your fingers and toes. I attended our monthly ladies auxiliary meeting and he made a point to come into the room to greet us. Ok I have now noticed him.

We hosted a community party and I had opportunity to observe and visit with him. He seemed unattached and very available. He asked for my number so I gave it to him. He text me that evening, very polite and the such. I began to think maybe this is the man God is allowing in my life. So I began to get to know him, but still a little cautious because I really did not know him very well at all. He was everything I was looking for in a man, handsome, kind, considerate, complimentary, affectionate, hard working, etc.

I had a strong desire to learn about his previous relationship, don’t know why, I just needed to ask. So one evening while he was over and we were visiting I asked him if he was single. Good question, right?!? And he said casually, no. I’m like WHAT? “Are you in the process of getting a divorce?” And he answered, “no.” So I asked, “Are you filing for a divorce?” Again he answered, “no.” He said he no longer lived with his wife. I am floored. I am speechless. I am in shock.

I have never in my life encountered this. I know it goes on but not in my life it doesn’t. I was faithfully married all those years and never once was unfaithful. I have never and will never commit adultery or even consider it! I cannot believe this has happened to me. I want to look on the bright side and say at least someone found me attractive and even desirable so there is hope for someone else. But I am upset. I wake with headaches now and have little desire to even eat. It has been over 3 years since my husband died and I have not dated at all and this happens, yuck is all I can say.

So, is God tricking me or testing me? Or did I just simply get thrown a curve ball in this upside down life we have the privilege of living in? Thankfully I am not desperate. I made a decision a long time ago to live a life of integrity no matter what. And today I get to walk it out. He continues to text and call me so I have to be utterly clear with him which will put me in a very vulnerable position.

This one thing I ask: please, no more test, God. I’ve met my quota for this lifetime!

Easy Love

I have never had to work at my love with Jesus, it just is, flows and envelops me, readily available 24/7. I had a lady say she has to work at it. Her exact quote, “My prayer is that nothing comes btwn me and my Jesus! Yes His love is eternal but we have to work at it with all our heart, mind, & strength!”
I couldn’t disagree more! No. My Jesus is the easiest love I have ever experienced and ever will experience. I so wanted to comment directly to her comment but I am sure I would have crushed her completely.
Truth is nothing will ever come between her and Jesus except what she lets come between them.
Jesus’ love is the easiest most consistent love I have ever experienced. He loves me when I am the most unlovable.
He loves me when I am mad at him.
He loves me when I ignore him.
He loves me when I am too busy to commune with him.
He loves me when I don’t include him in my day.
He loves me when I don’t deserve it.
He loves me even when I blame him for the things that happen in my life.
He loves me despite all I may do to drive him away.
He loves me even when I don’t read his word.
He loves me, unconditionally.
He loves me, period.
I don’t have to earn it.
I don’t have to plead for it.
I don’t have to chase after it.
I don’t have to nag for it.
I don’t have to cry for it.
I don’t have to look and look for it.
I don’t have to sit and wait for him to text or IM me back, nope, he is instantly there.
Always. Forever. Consistently. Ever present. Loving me when no one else does or will. Yep! That is my Jesus!
Yep! I know him intimately.
I am familiar with his presence.
I know his nudging.
I know his voice.
I know when he is not happy with me.
I know when he is overjoyed with me.
Let me make it very clear, we are very, very close!
Yes, we are more the BFF’s.
We are more than close acquaintances.
We are more than neighbors.
We are more than roomies.
We are more than just friends.
He is more than just my savior.
He is more than just my lord.
He did more than just spill his blood for my sins.
He is not my good luck charm.
He is not my sugar daddy.
He is not my life insurance.
He is my Bridegroom. And I am His Bride
I will spend eternity with Him.
Yes! That is it! I am the Bride of Christ!