Today I decided to get up and get dressed and go into town to talk to my pastor. I have been attending that church since December and I am yet to learn his name but I really enjoy the church and the worship.
I have been struggling really bad and question if my existence will continue. So I finally did it. I went to the church and went in and ask the receptionist if I could speak to the pastor. She looks up at me and tells me today is his day off. His day off, but she can give me a 1-800 number if I needed it. For real? Today I finally get up enough nerve to tell someone that I am NOT ok and she she wants to give me a 1-800 number. I told her no thanks and left.
I go I to the neighboring town where I serve on various boards to inquire about something or another and end up volunteering at a health fair working a booth.
No one knows the truth about me. I am a master at hiding my pain. I was chatting (in person no less) with a person who lives in the neighborhood I used to live in and he was holding information on a nonprofit group that does free counseling.
He went on to explain how after getting out of the military service he sought counseling and it really has helped him. Now being unemployed and without health insurance I thought this may be an option for me. So I go to the booth and inquire about the free counseling only to learn it is for moms with young children and I don’t qualify. Ok I accept that.
I decide to go visit another friend from the same old neighborhood but she was not home and I left. I had to take a different route home than I regularly travel. It is rush hour and traffic is bad even for a small town.
I pull into my little town entering from the opposite end a bit preoccupied about my failure to get any help when all of a sudden there are red flashing lights in my rear view mirror. Could my life get any worst? I pull over a bit confused because I thought I was following the traffic laws carefully. I had my license and proof of car insurance out and my hands firmly planted on the steering wheel at 11 and 1 o’clock as he arrived at the car window.
I asked him what I’d done wrong.
He shifts on one foot and in his cocky little voice says we will have to discuss just what I did wrong.
So I waited as he took my info checked my car tags and inspection stickers being a dominant male. And I am still confused.
Finally he says, “did you see that stop sign back there?”
I respond yes and he proceeds to inform me I rolled through it. What? I am sure I didn’t?
But before I could say anything he asks, “what were you thinking about?” So I told him exactly what I was thinking, “I am widowed and I need help”
He tells me I should pay attention and be careful because I am all alone. Then he gives me a citation. I am dumb founded and just corporate with him because if I do anything I am sure I am going to burst into a full fledge widow anguished wail that will have familiar pig snorts as I gasp for breath crying.
I very carefully drive on home. Sit in the car in the garage for what must have been over a half hour completely unable to move or think. Thankfully the car was turned off or you would be missing out on the account of my day.
I finally drag myself out of my car check the mail only to learn that my house has been reappraised and the my property taxes have substantially increased.
Yep I guess things could get worse. Life just need lol roll with it . . .