I never learned the game. I never learned the signals. I was never a player.
I lived in a bubble, a colored bubble that did not allow me to see out and learn to play the game. I really need to learn the rules to this game that I am forced to play. If, then . . . If this, then that . . . Need to know
There must be a rule book somewhere. A how to book. A users manual. Something.
And since when can girls not be friends with guys. Since when does every relationship between the two, if they are single, mean it is leading to something else. And sometime married men think the same thing, since when.
My late husband was a VERY jealous man. I could not even greet a man without him flipping out on me. It was very difficult because I was a leader of several hundred mostly men. Oh my lands life was hard. I was a great leader. I was able to mobilize all those teams and accomplish a lot. It was a very fulfilling career except for the jealous husband that put a lid on me.
I have always enjoyed conversing with men. They see things so differently than whinny women. I get exasperated with women and all the gossip and back biting. I did not know before but I now know, women always have an agenda.
Men just are. They don’t worry about things like women. Men can be drawn out and some very profound conversation can be exchanged about all kinds of things. I do miss this the most about my late husband. We would sit and talk for hours on end. We would solve the world problems and still be in touch with the depths our hearts and spirits.
I still look at relationship the same way I always did. I see it as making friends to share and be with. Friends to help when they need me or just hang when they don’t. Unfortunately I have not found friends like that since I moved 1500 miles away from where I was living. This stupid game gets in the way. Everyone is a player. And now that everyone is “out of the closet” I even need to be careful of the girls.
So funny! I made friends with a lady several years older than me. She talks ALL the time about herself. I hardly get a word in and when I do she is thinking about the next thing she wants to say. Frustrating. One day she told me she enjoys my company and if I lived near where she lived she would not need to find a guy to date. I am like WHAT?!? Needless to say I don’t visit with her very much now. I am straight and I don’t lean that way even a little bit!
The game I just don’t get it until it is rolling along and I find myself somewhere I don’t want to be.
The new way of communicating is through online chat. What is that about? What happened to the good old fashion phone where I can hear voice fluctuation and be able to understand what is being said. The written word leaves so much room for interpretation or misinterpret. If I had of been voice chatting with my long distance guy friend I would have heard when he went from interested to not interested and understood. We used to chat on the phone a couple of years ago that is how I learned he was interested in being more that “just buddies” and we began to communicate on a different level. Then came online chat, was that the signal I missed?
So now I venture out into the real world in search of friends and I will not allow this online chat to be a part of my life. Not my real life at least. I will still have my false identity here where I can just be and know that no one on here really knows who I am or where I am because I keep me hidden. No Facebook for me that would be to vulnerable, too risky for me. I like this blog and twitter. Well I really don’t like twitter that much but I am giving it a try.
I have to laugh at myself. Games, am I just playing a game with my life? I am one way here and another out there. I am more transparent here where I feel safe and reserved out there where I feel vulnerable. I give an appearance that I am secure and outgoing out there but I am really very frightened by it all. Here where no one can find me and no one cares about me I will lay my heart bare. Out there I step cautiously trying to avoid being hurt. But hurt is a part of real life, right?
Right, empty cyberspace out there where there really is no one?