Is attraction a choice? This question was recently presented to me through a total stranger.
It has caused me to ponder what my core values are. What is it that make me, me in terms of my attraction to men? Well I must say it must be paralyzed because I have not dated in several years. Although I had been attracted to a man who lives far away and maybe that was just infatuation. It did hurt deeply to learn he does not share the same feelings but I am able to easily let those feelings go. I have always been able to let go of what I cannot have.
Back to choice of attraction or what I think I am attracted to. . .
I do believe that what you’re attracted to is formed when you are a child.
Growing up I always played with Barbie dolls. I always fantasize that Ken married Barbie and they live happily ever after. And it is true, somehow, I do feel that I am attracted to ones that have that Ken appearance. For me the Ken doll was always a very professional handsome looking man. His appearance was always clean and orderly. And I am sure he must’ve smelled divine! In my world they never argued; they always were very loving and they had a perfect family. This was quite the opposite of my natural family. So perhaps playing with the Ken and Barbie dolls warped my sense of reality. And perhaps that form the belief that what I desire is always just out of reach or not real.
The man that my father modeled to me is someone I will have nothing to do with. But having said that, perhaps I married a man very similar to him in my late husband. But I’m not even going to start comparing my late husband to my late father.
I believe that what I’m attracted to in a man was certainly formed out of what I observed growing up. I remember consciously saying I will never marry a man who does what I observed my father doing to us and to my mother.
Attraction is learned. I learned what I desired. I learned what I did not desire. And now I’ve learned what I desire even more.
Attraction is a funny thing you know. I can be attracted to someone but they can have absolutely no desire or attraction to me. I can see a delightfully handsome man in the grocery store and smile at him and receive no response in return. It does get discouraging!
I had a man tell me one time that all women are gold diggers. I was married at the time so I did not take it personally. Now that I’m single I wonder if that really is what men think? I’ve also been told that sexually easy women carry themselves in a certain way that men understand very well which is why they often have a significant other. I should be grateful that I’m not attracting either of those kinds of men. I actually am not attracting any men at all at this point of my life. Maybe I should get out to more places than just the grocery store . . . just saying.