I need to talk some things through. I need to sort out my thoughts. I need someone to talk this through with me so I can come out the other side and start living again.
I have been awake for hours searching my soul. Questioning, pondering, wrestling and I have discovered and important answer. I don’t want a career. I want my family. And that is my road block not all those other emotions.
That is why I can’t answer when I am asked what I want to do. I always answer I have had my career. I have already done what I wanted to do.
I can’t wrap my head around just having a meaningless job that is not going to bring happiness. And then I think life is not about happiness but somehow deep in my soul I still hope for that and I can’t seem to let go of it.
Honestly the thought of just “existing” in life is suffocating. I have never been one to keep living for living sake I have always had a reason, a purpose. Now the reason is gone but for some reason I am still here.
At times like this I wish I actually had a pastor like I was to so many back in the day just to talk things through. Just haven’t been able to find that here. So here I sit sorting these thoughts