I just want to scream I have spend years helping others and here I sit not knowing which way is up. Life it seems is so unfair then again I always said nothing is ever fair. But really how can this be, how can one be so gifted yet dead. I never thought life would turnout like this.
I still have a heart to love ones and help them but yet I can’t move forward. Why? Fear or love? I still think its fear. I still think I am unable to move because well just because. Fear of failure maybe. Of course I use to teach that it is in failing that you succeed and look at me now. Going no where. Why, because a handful of men decided my fate. Yep that’s why.
How can I let them do this to me. There is no way I’d let this happen in years past. I stand up and take my ground. What has happened to me. It is as if I died at the same time as my husband. It is as if I lost all fight. It is as if there is nothing left. I used to help people like me, why can’t I help myself. Not a question not really. Something in me died and I can’t seem to revive it. I cannot find hope. I cannot find life.
Me the helper of ones joy. Me the purpose finder. Me the one that others turned to. Me. Empty. Lost. Hopeless.
I don’t want to start over. Maybe that is it after all. Starting over. Maybe for some it would be an adventure but not for me. I was quite happy where I was and with what I was doing.
Death. It sucks! That is all I can say. It is not just the person dying but it is those around them that remain . . . Just can’t seem to land on my feet.
Sometimes I think what was the use of all that effort. The end comes and it is all for not anyway. The books written. The presentations given. The people loved. The list could go on and on but why? Who’d listen anyway? We live. We breathe. We die. Fact end of story. Why? That is all I ask. Why?
I watch ones eagerly working that used to be me but no more. No more. Life is too short. Life is too painful. Life is too empty. I gave it all away and nothing was returned. Just emptiness. Take, take, take and still ones take some more. I have nothing left to give. My well runs dry. Perhaps the end is near for me too then.