Life of a loser

I must really be a loser or something.

I went to my insurance agent to get a quote on a policy. The agent is always so happy to see me. However it seems like she is always having a bad or stressful day when I am there. She works long hours and is often sick.

After several minutes getting the quote and talking she told me that she is always so glad to see me. She told me I am a reminder that her life is not so bad after all. A reminder that things are going pretty good for her. And I didn’t even discuss anything about my life with her I just listened to her discuss her life. Needless to say I left there with my heart dragging the ground. And now I am here so sad and grief stricken thinking what is there even to live for anymore. I am friendless, jobless and family less.

I used to think things would work out. I used to think any employer would be lucky to have me as an employee. I know I am over qualified for a lot of jobs but I never cared, but the employers do.

I used to think I could easily find someone to date then reality hit and no one is even remotely interested in me except creepy people.

I used to be a confident and secure person who would help anyone and everyone. Now I just want to crawl into a cave and die. I used to live life now I just want to evaporate.

What is the use anymore anyway.

It is so discouraging when I needed help doing stuff I would ask but not find anyone to help. When ones would see what I have accomplished by my self they’d say you should have asked for help but I did and no one helped.

But over and over those same people are now asking me for free help I just want to say where we’re you when I was struggling so? Where were you when I took my life in my own hands lifting extremely heavy stuff over my head into the attic when I should not have been? Where were you when . . . And now you dare ask me to help you . . .

I know what will happen when my funds run out, there will be no around again. I know I will be the one that they say, I am so encouraged by you because you show me my life is not so bad after all.

Today I had a man complaining because he was having to do the work of two people and I told him that there are so many people out there looking who need jobs. He should consider hiring someone to help. His response and I quote: “You use the word looking loosely. Pretty much those not working aren’t worth beep n on the take. If there worth hiring, they already have a good job! Very sad…”

I had absolutely nothing to say to that because I am one of those people out of work. I am one of those people looking for a job not worth a beep n on the take. Me! I worked to same job for over 25 years with my late husband faithfully and only lost my job because he died and the church directors did not want me a woman and voted me out while I was on bereavement leave. Hit me when I was down they did. I should have let myself just die . . . I should have just gone ahead and died that dreadful day. Well actually I DID die that day. All my hopes and dreams died. All my reasons for living died that day. . .

All I can say is I must really be a loser or something.


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