From a conversation with a friend. Just a question: how can I write without revealing all the ugliness that has happened to me? You know how transparent I am! So I don’t dare put pen to paper because truth leaks out all over!
Answer: Just be who you are; it helps lots of people who are not confident enough to share publicly; transparency is not understood by some as powerful but weak, and they just don’t get why someone would want to have a community discussion about really important personal things. Personally I think it is worth the criticism to get some ideas on things that bother me and I get so much secret feedback from the timid that they appreciate it, that I just ignore the detractors! Reading some of Paul’s writings he seems to “let it all hang out”……..
Reply: Oh Paul sure does and so does Christ. Wow what if Jesus had not overthrown the money changers? What if Jesus had not challenged the pharisees? What if he had not eaten with tax collectors and prostitutes or that grain of corn on sabbath? Christ was transparent in his walk on earth . . . But look at the persecution he endured John 5:16 So, because Jesus was doing these things on the … And this was why the Jews were persecuting Jesus, because he was doing these things … the Jews persecuted Jesus, and sought to slay him.
So my question is: was I persecuted because I was doing the will of my Father? Or was I persecuted because I was not good enough? And that is the question that immobilizes me and renders me useless for the church. Can’t get beyond it. It torments me in the night season. I avoid talking to anyone from my past because it always leaks out.
My childhood slaps me on the face. The words my earthly daddy told me echoes in my head. “You will never be good enough!” It was to motivator to excel in all I did, to be the best of the best. But now I surrender to the reality it must be true. There is no fight left in me.