Swimming in Thoughts

I have so many thoughts swimming around in my head. But I am alone so all they do is swim around bouncing of the walls of my brain, echoing but unheard.

I am told that I am very independent reality is I’d love to be able to depend on others to help me but every time I do I get let down because everyone is too busy to help or to listen or to just be there. So here I am alone again.

Or someone shows an interest in me so I meet them for a cup of coffee and all they do is talk endlessly never taking a breath to hear what I may have to say. And again I am left swimming in my thoughts, my mindless thoughts.

I used to sit for hours talking to my late husband, sharing hearts and thoughts. Speaking of future plans, or discussing the cares of our lives. He would speak and I would listen then he would listen while I speak. It was a very fulfilling deep conversation we used to have. We would talk through so many issues of life – despite all that was bad – this was good, it was very good.

If only I had known what the future held I would have listened to Him tell the same story for the hundredth time patiently instead of being annoyed at having to hear it again and again. If only I known I would not have gotten so annoyed when I’d try to discuss something very heavy on my heart just to have him turn it to be about him. If only, if only, if only . . . What’s a widow to do with the if onlies?

I went on my first “coffee date” yesterday. I am not cut out for dating. He drilled me on my age because he thought I was much younger than I am . . . What did he want me to lie? Can I help it I have aged gracefully? He talked endlessly about himself with his hand in front of his mouth or above his eye brow. My years of training told me to watch out for this one.

So here I am swimming in thought. Thoughts lead to tears. Tears lead to a snotty nose. So where is the off switch the the many thoughts that float around up there trapped looking for escape.

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