Reality check!

Feelings 12/24/14

My assignment was to identify my feelings and journal about them.
Right now I regret ever moving to Ohio. I regret ever disconnecting with my family in Texas. I regret many of the early choices I made.
Why did I make them? Desperation. Trying to survive instead of live. Maybe I’ve come back here and I’m in that mode of life again.
I just wish I knew where I am suppose to be because I’d be there doing whatever it is that I’m suppose to be doing.
I moved to Ohio running from my step dad. I stayed in Ohio because I got married and had a family. I never belonged there. 
I feel like ministry was a waste. I was doing it out of a call but also to build my future. Everything I did was to build a future. I was looking ahead hoping. I was sowing into what I thought was not only my eternal future but also my earthly future. I was trying to build relationships that would stand the test of time. But I was just the minister. I was just the one they called on in time of need.
I did live a guarded life careful not to get too emotionally attached simply because I had to be strong through crisis. I had to be there for the families that needed emotional support. Didn’t mean I didn’t love. Didn’t mean I didn’t care. Didn’t mean I didn’t hurt. It was just a conditioning we had in order to be present when needed.
And now I find my conditioning doesn’t work on myself! I feel every aspect of the hurt. I feel every aspect of the pain. I feel it all and now I don’t know what to do with it.
I wonder if all the years of being strong for others is crashing in on me? I wonder if that is why I am not able to cope well? 
Reality check!
Regret?! Really?! No way 
In reality things should have been the same or worst if I’d stayed in Texas instead of moving away and making a life for myself. The only difference . . . Well, I may not have survived back then. I was on a course of destruction, self destruction and I would have succeeded. It is a very good thing I moved away and was able to get the help I needed during that season of life. 
I don’t regret leaving. I don’t regret coming back. It has helped me to understand this is not particularly where I should be. Right now I’m not exactly sure where that is but I do know it is not here. But this has been a divine stop in my journey of life. I needed this stop. I needed these people in my life. I thought I needed my family but but God places the people in our lives that He wants to be our family during the times that they are assigned. 
I see I am beginning to heal, not only physically from the cancer but also emotionally and spiritually. I know I’m not there yet but I will get there. I’m going to be ok. I’m going to be even better than ok. I know I will be.

Melody of the Windchime


I woke to the random strikes of my Windchime being tussled around in the cold wind. As the wind picks up the chime strikes louder creating an odd melody that if words were added to it would be quite a dramatic tune.

My late husband and I purchased this chime while visiting Ohio Amish country on our 20th anniversary almost 10 years ago. At the time I thought it had a nice ring to it. It hung on my front porch for many years. But if I recall correctly I looped the wind catcher up on the top piece disabling it from the endless chimes created by the Ohio winters winds.

The family I’m staying with while having cancer treatments have a chime in the backyard with a beautiful pitch that creates a wonderful melody. The tubes are larger in length and diameter; the clapper is positioned correctly within the tubing to create a soothing, meditative tune rather than a noise to scare birds and other animals away.

Wind chimes have always brought soothing tones echoing the music of the breeze and bringing a relaxed, positive, healing, meditative feeling. I remember walking in the evening listening to the various chimes in the distance. They created a place of peace and balance captured in song as I walked along. If I stop and allow sound over take me it can ease stress, improve focus, wash away anger, and soothe the soul … even right now in the middle of this Texas winter storm.



I remember when my babies were in diapers. It seems that they were in diapers for eternity. My late husband used to say he couldn’t wait until he didn’t have to buy diapers anymore.

Then came prostate cancer. It seemed as soon as we stopped buying baby diapers we had to begin buying adult diapers.

This morning I’m reminded of that comment he made. We battled cancer for 17 long horrendous years. I hated that my husband died of cancer. I hate it when he drew his last breath. But I must admit I was so thankful to not be battling cancer anymore. I’ve not yet hit the five-year mark from the day he died that dreadful day. And I sit here battling my own cancer for 3 months now.

My beauty was attacked, my breast. Well I am still beautiful. I am still desirable and someday I will be remarried; have no idea who to. . . AND I will make my future husband the happiest man in the world because THAT is who and what I am. And I get to rebuild my breast even more beautifully prefect than before.

Cancer you suck! But I have a hope and a future! I will LIVE AND NOT DIE!!!

Me and The Ant


I saw a little ant today crawling around on a rock and my first instant was to squish it. I was reminded of my own life how I am going about my business when suddenly, unexpectedly I feel like I am being squished. Like the ant I didn’t see it coming. I did not see the giant finger that sought to take my life. And like the ant, it took more than one attempt before the life was squished out of me. I try to looking for the ant that I tried so hard to squish and it is not to be found. It must have lived and crawled away. Will it survive? I don’t know. They are resilient creatures, quite amazing in many ways.

Of course you have watched an ant about its business forging for food, protecting its hill! Amazing in many ways. So small but so tuff. They have remarkable strength. I wonder if the ant ever gets overwhelmed. I wonder if the ant ever gets sick except when I spray them with ant killer! I wonder if the ant ever needs another ant to hug, to smile at, to talk to… Amazing!

Death of a Dream of Love

My heart is heavy. I hoped on that which I should not have hoped. I love that which I should not have given my love to. I thought that I could build on something grow and nurture something and in fact I could never have. Not because of any fault on my part. I am a person of integrity. I am a person of high standards. But I was a pawn in somebody else’s hand. I was a play toy. I was something that they were simply using to fill their own pleasure.

My heart is completely broken. I have a sense of hopelessness to me now. I wasted time, precious time. Time is something I don’t have an abundance of anymore. All I wanted was love. All I wanted was happiness. All I wanted was to share my life with somebody who wanted to share their life with me. I didn’t want somebody that was going to play with my heart, that was going to screw around on me, that was going to use me and then toss me aside.

I know now that I need to confront truth. I know now that I need to confront, confront and resolve. Oh the joys of life. To live, to love, to have a broken heart.

Anyone Out There

I really don’t know if anyone reads this or not and I am ok with that BUT just in case someone does……

I really need prayer support right now. I’m having physical issues and I am very alone. Maybe I will discuss what’s going sometime but right now I am just holding my breath.

Friendly Banter or Meanness



“You have a mean streak,” I was told one evening.

Valid. I have become very tired of putting up with what’s being dished out to me. After spending the evening being teased just for the enjoyment of it, I started giving it back and the person didn’t like it. Funny how it can be dished out and call “having fun.” When enough is enough, one should stop teasing when ask to. If they don’t stop teasing then it is an open invitation to return the banter, right?! I only gave it out exactly as it was given to me. So was the person really being mean to me since they didn’t like hearing it come back to them, same words, same tone, same everything? Perhaps they were. Which ever the case, I’ve decided not to give them anymore of my precious time. I only have a little bit left and I want to use it wisely.

No one can get time spent back, so we must invest it in what we love the most.