Death of a Dream of Love

My heart is heavy. I hoped on that which I should not have hoped. I love that which I should not have given my love to. I thought that I could build on something grow and nurture something and in fact I could never have. Not because of any fault on my part. I am a person of integrity. I am a person of high standards. But I was a pawn in somebody else’s hand. I was a play toy. I was something that they were simply using to fill their own pleasure.

My heart is completely broken. I have a sense of hopelessness to me now. I wasted time, precious time. Time is something I don’t have an abundance of anymore. All I wanted was love. All I wanted was happiness. All I wanted was to share my life with somebody who wanted to share their life with me. I didn’t want somebody that was going to play with my heart, that was going to screw around on me, that was going to use me and then toss me aside.

I know now that I need to confront truth. I know now that I need to confront, confront and resolve. Oh the joys of life. To live, to love, to have a broken heart.

Anyone Out There

I really don’t know if anyone reads this or not and I am ok with that BUT just in case someone does……

I really need prayer support right now. I’m having physical issues and I am very alone. Maybe I will discuss what’s going sometime but right now I am just holding my breath.

Friendly Banter or Meanness

 

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“You have a mean streak,” I was told one evening.

Valid. I have become very tired of putting up with what’s being dished out to me. After spending the evening being teased just for the enjoyment of it, I started giving it back and the person didn’t like it. Funny how it can be dished out and call “having fun.” When enough is enough, one should stop teasing when ask to. If they don’t stop teasing then it is an open invitation to return the banter, right?! I only gave it out exactly as it was given to me. So was the person really being mean to me since they didn’t like hearing it come back to them, same words, same tone, same everything? Perhaps they were. Which ever the case, I’ve decided not to give them anymore of my precious time. I only have a little bit left and I want to use it wisely.

No one can get time spent back, so we must invest it in what we love the most.

 

Mind Control

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I read a great quote today by one of my favorite people, Paula White.
“If you spend too much time worried about who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are! Don’t lose yourself!”

I must admit that I wept when I read this quote because I realized I did lose myself.

I worried about what somebody else wanted me to be so much that I forgot what I was. I forgot who I was called to be. I forgot the leader that I was called to be. I was so influenced by their opinion and what they thought was right and wrong that I no longer had thoughts for myself. I was merely a puppet on a string.

I didn’t know this about myself until after their death. I didn’t realize the strong influence that I had allowed them to have over me. And it has taken me years to break that soul tie that they had on me. I think that I am finally breaking free however I know that there are still areas of my life that are still bound by their influence.

Control, especially mind control is a very evil monster. It creeps into our heart and soul when we’re not realizing it and destroys our very fiber if we allow it to. Of course that form of control can only happen when we completely trust the person we are allowing to control us. Or perhaps we allow it to control us when we’re so afraid of the person that’s controlling us so we no longer allow our independent thoughts to happen. The outcome is the same no matter what.

A person who has not been allowed to develop and be the person that they’re called to be are actually stunted in their growth. I liken it to having your legs chopped off at the knee so that you have to be pushed around in a wheelchair so that you’re not allowed to go to and fro as you want to without being under the complete submission of another person.

I must admit this is exactly what happened in my own life. I allowed another person to fashion, to form, to establish, to define every aspect of what I thought and believed. So much so that when that person was no longer a part of my life I did not know who I was, what I believed, or what I was to be about doing. I was shaken to my very core, to the very fiber of my being. My belief system was so shaken that I didn’t even know up from down.

Now I didn’t make a decision that one day I’m going to allow someone to have that much influence over my life. No, that happened in a very slow process. That much influence happened day by day, week by week, month by month, one thought after one thought, after one thought.

I suppose I can honestly say that I feared this individual greatly. And as a result of my fear of him I allowed him to have control over my thoughts and my processes. I wished I had a stood up to him. I wish that would’ve been mature enough to recognize what was happening and take a stand for myself. Or I wish someone had of spoken up while it was happening in order to have stopped it from happening. But it was after the fact that I was told that I had been under severe control by this individual. And again even when I was told I was under the control I didn’t recognize it until years later when I could look back and see the effects of it.

The abuse of control can be crippling. I am now learning to stand on my own two feet. I am now learning who I am and what I’m called to be. But I realize I walk with a limp and I guess that limp will always remind me never to allow anyone to control me as I was controlled by this person in the past.

“Thoughts from the Heart” Written 2/24/12

“You have a lot to share and I wanted to give you opportunity to do that,” I was told one morning.

In order put thoughts on paper an individual first must believe in themselves. The individual must believe that indeed they have something worth sharing – something that another person needs or wants to know or read.

I have never had a strong desire to be heard. Nor have I believed I have this vast knowledge that must be shared – instead I prefer to touch lives one at a time. I like to get to the heart of an issue and seek an answer that brings relief. I have been told that have wisdom but I tend to believe I have simply learned life’s lessons along the way and freely share as ones seek to know. Although I have spoken to hundreds at a time on many occasions it is not something that I feel I must do.

As I look at leadership, mentoring, being a role model and so on, I suppose I can say with certainty that I am indeed called in this way. Even after great tragedy and loss in my own life I am unable to escape this call to leadership that is upon me. I say escape because I have tried to shake this off of me for several years now but the call to leadership keeps chasing after me. And I find myself over and over again with ones following even when I don’t know where I am going.

So what is it that makes one a leader even when they don’t want to be? Is it personality? Is it charisma? Or simply an inner drive that keeps pushing the person forward in a positive way that causes others to be attracted to what they perceive to be reality?

I am in a place of introspection and yes I know it is a dangerous spot to be in. But I want to know what drives me. What causes me to get up in the mornings? Why do I keep putting one foot in front of the other even when I don’t want to? What is it at my very core, my very most inner being that keeps me breathing each day? What is the true motive of my heart?

Just as a heart has a normal rhythm that it beats with each passing moment, our lives also have a rhythm. In the natural a heart attack occurs when blood flow to a part of the heart is blocked for a long enough time and that part of the heart muscle is damaged or dies. The rhythm of my life has been obstructed much like a natural heart attack and in many ways I am in recovery and learning to use a part of me that has been paralyze from the trauma. And in that recovery comes discovery. I look forward to learning who I am and what it is that I am to be about doing. But for now this leader must lay down the mantle of leadership and do what is necessary to heal. Because one day I will again rise and pick up the mantle that was placed on my life long ago – and be the pioneer that I am called to be.

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Love Hurts ~ An Unsent Love Letter

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You said I was guarded. I was guarded because I didn’t want my heart to feel hurt again. I was guarded because I wasn’t sure I could trust. I let my guard down and chose to trust and now my heart is hurting again. I feel lost again. Except I know how amazing you were and how wonderful you made me feel. And how we felt together. I felt complete with you not that I was not complete before. But you revealed to me what was missing and I didn’t even know it was missing and it was so comfortable and easy and now I know it is indeed missing. I feel lack now.

I don’t understand. I need to understand. How could something that felt so right be so wrong? So wrong that you don’t want it anymore? I just need to understand what was so wrong.

I know our relationship is just a friendship now. I understand it is a struggle for you to keep going with the relationship thinking it would work when you don’t feel it will. I heard your fear of getting 6 months down the road only to find this is not the relationship for you. I accept your boundaries. I am not a spoiled brat that I am going to rant and cry for something that the other person doesn’t want.

I took a risk. I knew what I was doing. I felt and feel it was worth the risk. But it does hurt and make me sad. I so miss you. I so miss your embrace. I so miss you holding me in your arms all night. I miss holding you all night. I miss feeling your heart beat. I miss listening to your breathing as you sleep. I miss our complicated conversations. I miss your deep thoughts. I miss creating meals together and cleaning up afterwards. I miss the adventure you have the ability to create. I miss your friendship. I miss you.

I am different. It is true. I don’t dress sexy. I don’t reveal what should not be revealed in public. I don’t wear 6 inch heals. I don’t flirt. I don’t hang all over you and anyone for that matter. I guess I never learn to do all of that. I am not street smart. It is true I am very different but I am just me. I am a great person with a lot to share and give that right person.

I suppose I gave you more of me than I realized. But I do realize it now. And I’d still give it to you if I had to do it all over again. You were worth it. I feel alive again. However I have major moments of wishing I were still sleeping instead of feeling alive. These “feelings” make me nervous. I have no idea what to do next.

I do apologize for walking away in the middle of a conversation that night. You are right I should not have done that. You were talking with another person and I wanted water and I decided to go and get it. I was tired of waiting on the waitress to come to us. And I should have found you before going to my car to get what I needed. I do regret working so much and not getting to spend more time with you. I regret my faith caused conflict in our relationship. It is true I am still struggling with where I am in all of that. I know I will someday completely forgive the church leaders that conducted business the way they did. I realize it was not the “church” but a small group of people. I need to learn to keep all that to myself. But then again, that was why I was so guarded in the beginning. You wanted me to let my guard down with you. And I did.

I just wish you would not so over think everything. I went to visit my dear friend and she listened to me as only she does and could. She let me express my loss and my feelings then she embraced me in such a Motherly way. She told me “you young people just over think things too much when you just need to enjoy each other.” She is right. She then proceeded to tell me about her and husband’s relationship and how they came to be. Things were simpler back then I guess. She advised me to write you and express myself but I told her I would not do that because I don’t want you to have hard feelings towards me. And I don’t want you to feel I was “begging” or treating you like I was treated by th another man who could not take no for an answer.

So I am conflicted in my heart because she is right I do need to express myself but I don’t want to send this and risk having you read between the lines. Just read it as it is, an expression of my heart.
Like you, with your note, I so want to make sure you understand what I am saying. Please know I am not angry with you. I am just confused seeking understanding so I can settle my heart and continue on with life.

I value you and would love to continue as friends as well.

***** 6 weeks later . . .
Needless to say I never sent this and I am still on pause unable to move forward.

The guy you ask? What happened with the guy . . .
Well he moved on right away. He is back with one of his ex’s and he asked her to marry him. She said, yes.

Me? What you ask about me? Well . . . I do love him but I am willing to let him go, and live and be happy. Although it breaks my heart that it is not with me.

Why? Because love doesn’t suffocate. Love doesn’t chase after what it can’t have. Love allows the other to be happy and satisfied.

I am an awesome lady. Beautiful, smart, loving, compassionate, full of life and I have a lifetime of love and joy to give to the right person who is going to love me back and value the wonderful person I am. I am first choice. I’m a great choice. One day I will be chosen and it will be worth it!

Help! I am falling!

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When I lost my rock I lost my way. My world shook. And everything that could fall came tumbling down, came crashing down around me, and I was left trembling. And now I've lost my way and I've not been able to find it. I've been lost in this vast world wandering around aimlessly trying and trying and trying to find my way. I've gone here and said is this where I'm supposed to be. I've gone there and said is this is where I'm supposed to be. And I've gone to the ends everywhere but nowhere am I supposed to be.

And now I sit here and wonder, is this where I'm supposed to be? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Is this really my purpose in the world?

I pray prayers. And earnestly seek God for the answers. But the answers that come, make me question if God even listening to me. Do I even believe that God would send the answers that have come? I don't know anymore. I say how can this be!! How could God allow this answer to come when he knows I so earnestly sought him and prayed to him? What is this about?!

And so here I sit confused. Still wandering around aimlessly in this world. Wondering if this is really where I'm supposed to be. But there is no answer.

How I long to find purpose and fulfillment again. How long to find love and happiness again. How long to find contentment and enjoyment in all that is around me again. I try earnestly to be happy in all that is around me but eventually catches up with me. Eventually reality slaps me in the face and I'm keenly aware of the fact that my world came crashing down around me and there's nothing I can do about it.

To look at me on the outside you would think I have everything that I ever want. But stuff without relationship, family, love, being surrounded by people is mere nothingness.